Thursday, 15 August 2013

One of those days

You know that feeling when everyone is suddenly coming onto you from all sides, and you feel everything you do is wrong and somehow it's all your fault.
You know when you're part of a group but you feel like if you're not there, you feel it wouldn't really matter to them.
You know that feeling when after years of a shitty existence, everything is all rainbows and sunshine but somehow you're convinced that it is all going to fall apart any minute now.
You know that feeling when you've believed in something all your life and now things are so different, you're forced to changed your belief system.
You know that feeling when things are changing so fast you barely have time to wrap your head around it. And all you keep doing is to hold onto the familiar with all you've got. But then you see the familiar has changed too. And you realize that you don't like change. Much.
You know when all you are supposed to worry about for the next 20 days is decide which movie to watch and how many hours to sleep. But you've gotten so used to having to worry all the time that there's a nagging feeling at the back of your head telling you that you're not supposed to be so carefree. That you're supposed to worry about something.
You know when you work and work and work and it's still not enough.
You know when you would do anything, everything to help someone, if only they'd let you.
You know that feeling of helplessness when you would do everything if only you knew what to do actually.
You know when you suddenly find someone you've got SO much in common with and it's like you've known each other forever and you keep wondering here this person was all the time when you needed them.
You know when you're so scared that the person you've got will leave too someday, like all the people in your life. They will leave with all the burden of the world on your shoulders. And you're shit scared because you don't want to lost them.
Because for the first time in your life, you've got butterfiles in your stomach and you crazy grin at some random thought and you start making plans and you start believing in things and it gets to the point where you feel you should stop because being too happy is a crime.
You now that feeling when you hear that you're a waste of space so many times that you actually start believing it.
You know when best friend becomes just a word for someone you couldn't live without before, because you don't know each other anymore.
You know when your friendship falls apart not because you lost contact or numbers but because you're two completely different people now.
You know when you're exhausted of all the fights and the drama, and you wish it would all stop for once and for all because you can't do it anymore. You can't keep fighting or faking or trying to keep all the pretenses.
Because you'd like some peace and happiness and satisfaction. Because you'd like to feel loved again.
You know when the only way to get a hold onto whatever you're feeling is somehow try to put it into words, because the feelings are too fast and strong.
You know that feeling when nothing is wrong but something isn't right either.
You know that feeling when you have friends all around and they are laughing and talking among themselves, and you're sitting alone in a corner, writing this.

Yes, it's one of those days.

Friday, 12 July 2013

Can't Keep Calm. It's my Best friend's Birthday!

This post is dedicated to my best friend who happens to care nothing for birthdays. But I can't for the life of me, understand why. For a huge birthday person like me, I can't fathom a world with no birthdays. So her birthday is as important to me as mine.
Cake, free food, gifts... What's not to like! But, here I am, writing anyways, because words sometimes are the best way to say things you can never say out loud. Here goes...

I remember the day we met. It was the first day of 9th standard. All my friends had been transferred to other sections and I was pissed. I remember seeing you and then thinking, 'This is one girl I want to be friends with.' And I did!

For the 6 years we've been friends, I've been a pain in the ass for almost 5 and a half of them. I don't know why you put up with me, but I'm glad you do.

You have been there for me, always! ALWAYS! But that's not why I love you.
You seen me crying and you're still friends with me. But that's not why I love you.
You've been such a patient person all these six years. Bearing through my craziness, my 'I'm-running-away-from-home' phases, my 'hunger-strike' drama. But that's not why I love you.
For the 6 years we've been friends, we've been apart for four years, met even less number of times ans talked a hundred hours on phone. But that's not why I love you.
We've planned holidays together, promised to be godmother's of our children, dreamed of being in the same city and doing crazy shit. But that's not why I love you.
You made me love chocolate. You introduced me to English songs. You made me a better person.
You've always steered me clear of all trouble. Lectured me when I was being stupid. Threatened to not talk to me if I didn't stop my drama. But that's not why I love you.
Do you remember how stupid we were, back then? How naive? We laugh about it even now. But that's not why I love you.
We have history together. You know stories. Stories that no one else knows. Stupid stories, painful stories, funny stories. Some stories which only require a word from one of us and we'd die laughing. But that's not why I love you.
We are the most opposites of each other as two people can be. But that's not why I love you.
You cannot sleep. I can't stop sleeping. You say wrong. I say right. You go west. I go east. I am a romantic. You're skeptic.
We make fun of people together, spend hours discussing our futures, whine about our 'sad and depressing lives'. You know me better than most people, I tell you things I don't even wanna admit out loud sometimes. But that's not why i love you.
Sometimes I hate you for being so harsh with me. Sometimes I resent you for not agreeing with me. Sometimes I despise you for being a different person. And you are still there, in the shadows, to pick me up whenever I fall. But that's not why I love you.
We've survived 6 years of shit together. Shit that most people won't even guess happened with us. And we've come out stronger and better, together. But that's not why I love you.
I'm grateful to you for being a true friend. For not hesitating to tell me that the sun don't shine out of my ass. For setting me right, when I'm being ridiculous. For not being afraid to speak your mind. But that's not why I love you.
You've been the most incredible, patient, understanding, sweet, amazing friend of all times. But that's not why I love you.

No. I don't love you because of, despite or inspite of all these reasons. Because if I loved you for a reason, it wouldn't be love. It would be a carefully compiled list of pros and cons. No.

I love you for no reason. I love you and I have no idea why. I love you. Enough said.