Thursday, 15 August 2013

One of those days

You know that feeling when everyone is suddenly coming onto you from all sides, and you feel everything you do is wrong and somehow it's all your fault.
You know when you're part of a group but you feel like if you're not there, you feel it wouldn't really matter to them.
You know that feeling when after years of a shitty existence, everything is all rainbows and sunshine but somehow you're convinced that it is all going to fall apart any minute now.
You know that feeling when you've believed in something all your life and now things are so different, you're forced to changed your belief system.
You know that feeling when things are changing so fast you barely have time to wrap your head around it. And all you keep doing is to hold onto the familiar with all you've got. But then you see the familiar has changed too. And you realize that you don't like change. Much.
You know when all you are supposed to worry about for the next 20 days is decide which movie to watch and how many hours to sleep. But you've gotten so used to having to worry all the time that there's a nagging feeling at the back of your head telling you that you're not supposed to be so carefree. That you're supposed to worry about something.
You know when you work and work and work and it's still not enough.
You know when you would do anything, everything to help someone, if only they'd let you.
You know that feeling of helplessness when you would do everything if only you knew what to do actually.
You know when you suddenly find someone you've got SO much in common with and it's like you've known each other forever and you keep wondering here this person was all the time when you needed them.
You know when you're so scared that the person you've got will leave too someday, like all the people in your life. They will leave with all the burden of the world on your shoulders. And you're shit scared because you don't want to lost them.
Because for the first time in your life, you've got butterfiles in your stomach and you crazy grin at some random thought and you start making plans and you start believing in things and it gets to the point where you feel you should stop because being too happy is a crime.
You now that feeling when you hear that you're a waste of space so many times that you actually start believing it.
You know when best friend becomes just a word for someone you couldn't live without before, because you don't know each other anymore.
You know when your friendship falls apart not because you lost contact or numbers but because you're two completely different people now.
You know when you're exhausted of all the fights and the drama, and you wish it would all stop for once and for all because you can't do it anymore. You can't keep fighting or faking or trying to keep all the pretenses.
Because you'd like some peace and happiness and satisfaction. Because you'd like to feel loved again.
You know when the only way to get a hold onto whatever you're feeling is somehow try to put it into words, because the feelings are too fast and strong.
You know that feeling when nothing is wrong but something isn't right either.
You know that feeling when you have friends all around and they are laughing and talking among themselves, and you're sitting alone in a corner, writing this.

Yes, it's one of those days.